Wednesday, July 1, 2009

What is that behind you?

So, today was the day. No more faffing about. No more avoidance and absolutely no more whiney-butt excuses. Like Arthur heading out to slay a dragon, I girded my loins, buckled into my chain maille and set off on a journey so perilous that few live to tell the tale.
Strong of heart and determined, this would be the day I rose victorious from the perils of consumer madness, treasure in hand.
The day I would buy a new pair of jeans!!!!
Little did I know the horrors that awaited me, the seething cauldron of over-heated shopping malls, the treacherous valley of the 2 inch crotch rise and the relentless tide of colours and washes and finishes.
I saw things that no woman should have to see, I saw shop-assistants, whose heads were the largest part of their bodies (like Bratz dolls). I saw jeans so "distressed" that they were held together only with good thoughts. I saw change rooms that looked like nightclubs, with carpet just as sticky........................
(and at this point you will be relieved that this is the only photoless I have ever done....)
I saw my own undies-clad-butt in a three way mirror !!!
I think my arse has been taken over by aliens.

89 comments:

  1. one would think the bobble headed shop assistants would be the aliens... :)

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  2. Buying jeans is a nightmare - but particularly so during school holidays. Stay away from shopping centres for at least another week and a half. Try again then. Don't go for the ultra high-rise though - not pretty.

    Good Luck
    Rita

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  3. Oh, I really hate shopping malls, and I think the mirrors in those shops are designed to make us look even worse than we think we are. Although I think bra shopping is worse than jeans shopping!!! I think the Aliens stole my boobies.

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  4. And when you find a pair that fit - buy in bulk!

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  5. I can relate to that! Much to the disgust of one of my work colleagues I buy mens jeans. They keep in the muffin top and control the 40 something bum thing too. And you don't have to put up with the lollipop headed young things.
    cheers
    marina

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  6. I've trusted Target for my jeans purchases for years, and I'm thrilled to find their jeans even fit my postnatal mum bum.

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  7. I'm with Craving Frocks. At least Target make jeans for "real" women's behinds. I hope after all that, you did find some?

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  8. Ahhh Jod! You're too funny! Not only has the crutch risen two inches, but the waistline has dropped by five eh? A "proper" pair of jeans is so hard to find!

    You always make me laugh!

    Vikki :-O

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  9. Actually I'll third the Target motion. They have a wide range of sizes/lengths/colours. You're bound to find something.

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  10. If that's the case - my arse is the Mother ship!!!!

    Locket's on the phone and reckons her arse is a whole new planet...or could it be Uranus...oh maaan...killing myself here!!

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  11. You're a very brave woman!!!
    Mwah ha ha ha ha!!

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  12. I think we should celebrate our big bums.
    Mine is the size of a small planet and I love it!!! (Gives the illusion of a small waist)
    Go and get yourself some gorgeous stretchy elastic waisted black pants from Target (they go with ANYTHING!!!) and enjoy the comfort in style.
    Andi :-)

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  13. and now you know why my jeans are always falling off me ...changing rooms and prams never go together ...

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  14. Yes, but did you actually BUY the jeans??
    lizzie

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  15. I'll echo the other Gillian and vote for Target. I got some jeans there for $10 the other day!!!!
    So do we get a fashion shoot soon of you in your new togs?

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  16. Hysterical! I hope you have recovered...if you are feeling up to it check out Jeans West..2 for $99, lots of styles..you are bound to find something there - I did and quite chuffed!

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  17. I luckily found my last pair of jeans in the Lifeline bin (after the school drop off it's always worth having a riffle through the bin, before they take it away to be sorted and priced as "retro" or "vintage"!!).
    I do hope that you found some jeans after that horrible ordeal. The last time I went to a shopping centre I almost felt sick - won't be heading back for a long long time.
    Invest in a good pair so that you won't have to go back again for a while!!

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  18. Your always good for a laugh jode,
    my fav jeans of the moment are Laura Ashlee jeans, they are strech and high enough to cover my tummy and at $80 I thourght not a bad buy and so comfy I want to get another pair! I feel you I hate buying jeans!

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  19. Oh dear, I think I may have snorted, I laughed so hard!
    Could you even hear yourself think over the blaring music too?

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  20. Heh heh heh- so much of your shopping trip sounds so familiar!
    Can you get jeggings in Oz? It's a cross between a jean and a legging and in my opinion there is no finer trouser! They combine the comfort (and elasticated waist!) of the legging with the look of the jean and cling to you, which solves the problem of jeans never ever fitting where you want them to. Mmm...jeggings :-)

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  21. Ah you made me laugh because it is all so true and I have been there myself!

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  22. Oh Jodi - I'm glad I'm not the only one who totally detests jeans shopping. Although I was pleasantly surprised last time I needed jeans but the staff and range of jeans (and the price) at Jeanswest. And the good thing about Jeanswest is that once you have found your "style" you can just buy the same one next time!! I have also had success with jeans at Target too. Did you have any success cladding your body in denim??

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  23. Just make sure Stacey and Clinton would approve. Mid rise, dark wash and straight leg! I still love my Levi's, they always work for me. xo, suzy

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  24. I was smirking at your exploits but having just read Charlie P I am laughing out lod. Jeggings!!!!



    Word ver. is 'Songat' This was the name of a regugee/illegal immigrant transit camp at the Eurotunnel entrance. Is there something we should know about Chez RicRac? Travel plans???

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  25. Oh, I so hate jeans shopping. Trying to work out what they are going to look like when I remove the extra 20 cms of fabric from the bottom...

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  26. It's no better on this side of the world, whether in Germany or the US, I'm afraid. I too detest jeans shopping, or really any kind of shopping at this point. There are so many choices, and none of them right! How could that be?

    All the stuff that fits me "right" is made for people half my age so the styles are mostly wrong, and the stuff that's "made" for people my age is NOT my style. *sigh* I go into Buckle every time I go to the States, try on 25+ pair of jeans, grudgingly settle on the only two pair of the bunch that are sorta okay, and then whinge because they're over $100 each!

    You do crack me up Jodi! Thanks for making me smile, as usual!

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  27. I would go with the men's jeans option, they have to have more room down below for the dangly bits! So will have more room to pull up! Also they are cheaper.

    BTW, Kligsby of the planet Tharg would like you to know that he and his fellow Thargians never took your arse, honest. Your jeans however they are considering.

    The bubble headed shop assistants are in fact aliens who make it their business to remove your self-esteem for when they finally begin their invasion plans. Or so I am told...

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  28. I know those aliens - they got my arse too... sneaky lil' devils.

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  29. This is clearly enough information to keep me out of the malls for awhile. My ego just won't allow me to see the 'bare' truth!!

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  30. Oh I so know what you mean. I did the same as you after FIVE YEARS about three weeks ago. But I could only bring myself to go Savers....I just couldn't bring myself to do the Bratz Doll thing and pay extra money for sympathetic (she's let herself go) looks and more fabric for a wider ahem dairyaire...

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  31. The only thing even close to as bad as this experience, is buying bathers!
    Thanks for a good laugh Jodie - I hope you find some soon!
    P.S - I find Jag jeans to be fairly stress-free!

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  32. I love it - you made me snort!

    When I go jeans shopping I am accompanied by a support vehicle, labelled Caution - Wide Load. That flashing amber light is so distracting.

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  33. LOL- You are so funny! Did you actually find a pair to purchase? Inquiring minds want to know....

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  34. Aliens! So relieved to know there is a reason for the state of my backside.

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  35. You have perfectly captured the horror of jean shopping. I can so sympathize!

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  36. So funny! Don't really need to leave a comment seeing as Missus Moog did it for me!!!

    Lucy x

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  37. I detest shopping malls, and I detest shopping for jeans. Here's my piece of advice--find a name brand pair of jeans that fit you well and then when you need another pair you can shop for them on-line while wearing your pj's. No bobble-headed sales clerks, no sticky dressing rooms and best of all, NO THREE WAY MIRRORS. I do believe hell is constructed of three way mirrors, by the way.

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  38. So, did you manage to find any suitable jeans after all that?

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  39. I don't think they put normal mirrors in those changerooms!!!

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  40. Chortle, chortle, belly giggle, chortle!! Oh I know what you mean...as for aliens in your butt...mine too!! CAthyx

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  41. You are too funny - but I totally agree shopping for jeans is the worst.

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  42. Oh Dear.... I may have to cry... I too need new jeans... and shall put it off for many more years after reading your post!!!! Three way mirrors.... ? I can't do it!!!! Did you end up getting anything??

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  43. OMG it's like I was there with you, only my event was three weeks ago... I'm only a 14 for god sake, you know the average size of an Australian woman, not even rubanesque really! I wanted Levis!
    I nearly threw a tantrum, I got a pair about 30 years ago, why cant I have a pair now ? Because they dont make them in a size 22 ! Thats what I would have need as they were so small!
    Thank goodness for R M Williams and Tommy Hilfinger! (spelling ? )
    I need a stiff drink that day when I got home..but alas..I dont drink!

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  44. Very Funny ... some of the changing rooms I go in are dire. You may as well drink a whole bottle of Gin and get really, really depressed !!!!
    I generally look at myself throgh sqwuinty eyes :) x

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  45. Aww Jodie, you simply have to go to Target for your jeans ;o)!! No loud music, nice clean change rooms ... (although the mirrors are distorted there too, I'm sure of it lol!!!) and their jeans actually fit!! Oh I think I'm getting old he he he.
    Hugs,
    Joy :o)

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  46. I hear what your saying girl! Try all that with a French shop girls attitude thrown in for good measure. that god it is warm enough he that you only need to wear jeans about three times a winter so my one fave pair is going to last me a while.

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  47. I know what you mean I just hate buying jeans!

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  48. Ha ha! This is so true! I buy jeans about once every 10 years - they are the hardest thing to fit - it makes no sense!

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  49. Bwaaaaahahahaha!!! I went shopping earlier this spring. When I caught a glimpse of my arse in the 3-way, I politely got dressed and left the store!! ;-)

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  50. This is why I don't wear jeans...

    Mind you, the last pair I bought were from Target and are not too bad.

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  51. I am totally hearing you!! I am at least 2 or 3 years overdue for a pair of jeans. I try and brace myself, taking weeks to psych myself up for it. Only to fall at the first hurdle. Just walking in the shops gives me the screaming mee mee's. I have only one question: WHY DON'T THEY FIT?!!

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  52. You have made my morning Ha Ha ....No pictures required.

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  53. As bad as the jean shopping experience can be, I would much rather shop for jeans than a bathing suit. I try every year to buy one, but just can't put myself through the pain.

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  54. You make me smile. I think you should run 'jeans shopping tours for the everyday woman'. We all need some of that humour when shopping for jeans particularly.

    Did you buy some?

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  55. I too am no good when it comes to shopping for clothes. two summers ago i bought some over sized t shirt dresses, almost caftan style. they were $12 each, Tie dyed. I went home, felt comfortable, went back out and bought some more, (12 more) in different colours. Now i live in them and won't have to go shopping again for at least 5 more years. As for jeans, I have only ever worn them twice, My Sister in Law lent me a pair to go on the back of my brothers bike, and again in Sydney when we had to have a pair to climb the Tower Bridge.

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  56. Welcome to my world,
    I feel like that every time I go shopping for new jeans....what happened to that nice rounded butt....who mananged to swap mine with my mums....it's not fair.

    And EVERY shop assistant is a size 8!

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  57. ROFLMAO. Maybe that'll make my butt smaller. I agree that jean shopping is one of the most dreaded tasks ever.... Don't know about you, but my most recent favorite is the Levi 512. Found it at JCPenny and the waist comes up to just below the natural waist, it's a nice boot-cut and comes in my short-legged (ie petite) size. AND, it's not too tight around the thighs, which is my main problem with jeans that actually look good.

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  58. I can totally relate to this post. Those mirrors are evil, wouldn't you think they'd put in those ones from Luna Park that make you look ultra slim. I'd be buying everything in the store then.

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  59. This will keep me laughing all day! Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying everything I've ever thought about shopping malls.

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  60. Oh dear - that is a shame! LOL - love the comment of the bratz heads.

    I bough my last pair from Target and for a cheap pair of jeans I am very happy with them.

    I am certain that shopping centres bread bugs in winter with the temp they have the place set on.

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  61. The last pair of jeans i bought was from the op shop for $6 they are a just jeans brand and probably about $80 new...they are cumfy and not wore out...
    the best thing was that for that price i didn't have to try them on there...i paid for them took them home and then tryed them on in the "most flattering" mirror i have...
    with the comfort of knowing that if they didn't fit i could always send them back in the good will bag and not feels bad...

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  62. Arghh, in desparation I have started wearing the ones Simon thinks are too big for him! I think jeans should be tied on under sedation by medically trained staff, they shouldonly bring you round if they find a pair that fit!

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  63. Oh baby! Been there and done that!!!! Those low rise jeans are no good for a woman who has had their tummy streatched out of all proportion by four kids (it was the two at once that really did it!!!) .... a girl needs somewhere to store the excess skin!!!

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  64. yep - those change rooms lights do have a tendency to do funny things to ones arse!

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  65. Don't kick me, but how could I go past jean shopping torture for A Lovely Blog Award? You have NOT been tagged. You need not lift a finger. Just make a cuppa and bask in the glory...

    http://www.myrtleandeunice.com/2009/07/canasta-tournament-spider-and-biscuit.html

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  66. The absolute unadulterated horror of jeans shopping.

    Like others I grab a pair or two at Target - esp. the ones with some stretch.

    And often get asked if I have lost weight when I wear them!

    Which is when I collapse to the ground and sob with joy...

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  67. jean shopping is bad...then there's bra shopping..i won't go there.

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  68. I had to chime in with support for you on this quest. I am right there with you. The comment about the big head "Bratz" shop girls is so on the mark! I love it..

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  69. Jodie, Jodie, Jodie, anyone who can design and make a Melvin, and fabulous dolls with exquisite wardrobes, and numerous adorable other softies, not to mention a selvedge dress that is doing a crafty tour, lovely bags, quilts, and a Dorothy dress can CERTAINLY design a flattering pair of jeans. Once you have your pattern you are set for life, and can make any color or fabric you please. Then we'll all be begging you to add it to Jodie's pattern collection so we, too, can make them. :>]

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  70. I hate any kind of shopping (in-store) so I buy all of my clothes - bras and all - from Ezibuy. They have a good variety of clothes and you can exchange them if they don't fit!

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  71. did you actually end up with a pair??

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  72. YIkes, it took me 3 months to get them, the sizes get smaller and the waist band gets lower...Hiya muffin top!...I had to do the new bra thing yesterday..That sux too..I think 3 aliens have sucked the life outta mine..Too funny, just what I needed..Its nice to know that so many people feel the same about clothes shopping...My vote is JAG mid rise easyfits...

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  73. Oh no!!! It sounds like me going shopping. Damn those 3 way mirrors. Argh...
    LOL
    Alison

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  74. I FEEL YOUR PAIN SISTER.... small waist, big bum and legs.... Tis near impossible to find jeans that 'fit'. May the force be with you. Peta

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  75. I just had A good giggle you do make me laugh But did you end up with your jeans?
    Hugs Mary.

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  76. I knew all the comments would be worth reading after your too true introduction. Thanks for the good laugh. I am thankful to have had three children who managed to widen my waist to with one or two sizes from my hips. Now at least I can buy skirts without needing to invite anyone else to use the excess waist. So, so comforted also to jnow that I am not the only one who hates those mirrors that keep insulting my mummy arms. Cherrie

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  77. Best laugh this week....& soooooo true..hehehehehe...even my husband laughed when I read it out to him

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  78. Apparently clothes that fall apart as you wear them are quite fashionable. I keep seeing these shirts with tags that say "As a design feature of this garment, some sequins will fall off with wear." Why can't they just admit that it's shoddily made and leave it at that?

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  79. I can relate to those weird jeans moments too. I went prepared to spend $300 on a pair of the miracle "not your daughter's jeans" - if Oprah said they made you look thinner then they must work. Well even the shop assistant had to admit that I looked really bad in them!!! So off I went to Target and bought the $40 jeans just so I would have some. Two weeks later one of my friends asked me if I was wearing those "new" sort of not your daughter jeans - no I was wearing the Target ones. Save yourself from the Bratz dolls and the aliens and get thyself to Target...

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  80. So it's time to start making your own jeans? ;-)

    You made me laugh out loud on a otherwise somewhat cloudy day. Thanks for this post!

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  82. Ohh good so it's not only me who has nightmares at the thought of buying jeans. Those mirrors in the change rooms should be banned - honestly who wants to look at their butt in one mirror let alone three. I hope after all that the jeans buying was a success.

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  83. i never had a problem buying jeans before I had my 2 kids (nine pounds each time, its all their fault!).

    But I finally found some at Rivers (except they are too long), and Big W - I live in them, bought 2 pairs. I have tried Target but they never fit, always too big in the bum and waist and way too short - even the long ones, they seem to shrink in the leg and go baggy in the waist!

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  84. Crap ... now i need to go buy new jeans I think that I just peed mine!! THANKS A LOT!!!!

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  85. You are a brilliant writer! I had so much fun reading this post. What a witty way to portray a shopping trip... and for JEANS too! I will forever more follow your blog =D

    Love your blog,
    Brand New Reader

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Hellloooooo !!!!